Make Way For Tonberry
by Lobo Kendo
Summary: The posse brings a Tonberry back to Garden with them. Mayhem and chaos ensues. Discontinued.
1. Tonberry's Plan for World Domination

_Disclaimer:_ I do not own or claim to own any characters or other copyrighted material from Squaresoft. Though they would probably not want me to be writing these stories anymore if they saw how cruel I'm gonna be to Zell. Hehe.  
  
**Chapter One  
**_Tonberry's Plan for World Domination_  
  
"Make way!" Seifer shouted as he, Fujin and Raijin entered the front entrance of Balamb Garden dragging an iron cage behind them fastened to a thick rope. The cage was occupied with a small green-skinned creature wearing a wool robe and holding a lantern and a knife in its hands.  
  
Fujin relinquished her portion of the rope to Raijin, who was more than capable of pulling the cage without Fujin's assistance. She took point and shooed curious lower classmen out of the way.  
  
"Oh! Oh! Is that a Tonberry?!"  
  
"CONCERN, NONE!" Fujin backhanded the boy out of the way and kept the approaching horde at bay with her giant shuriken. When she was satisfied that the mob had backed off, she ran back toward the front, grabbed another section of rope and helped her posse pull.  
  
They were nearly to Seifer's dorm room when Cid and Edea approached, followed by Xu, Squall and Zell. The three had been recently appointed senior commanders and were in charge of planning and initiating all military procedures, whether missions carried out by SeeD or the graduate courses taken by cadets.  
  
"You three!" Shouted Cid running closer. "What do you think your doing bringing that creature in here?! It's too dangerous to just be let roam free!"  
  
Seifer twisted backward and gestured for Raijin and Fujin to get the Tonberry into his room. While they were doing that, he caught Cid off at the pass. "Hey, c'mon now, Cid ol' buddy ol' pal! Were gonna make history here! Were gonna be the first people to domesticate a Tonberry!"  
  
Cid put his hands on his hips and shook his head with disgust. "Are you serious? You actually think you can not only tame this beast but also openly defy Garden rules?"  
  
Using a quick flash of intuition, Seifer came up with a plausible excuse. "It's Fujin's birthday! We caught her this thing as a pet!"  
  
The little Tonberry had slipped one hand through the bars of its cage and planted its knife into the concrete walkway, making it nearly impossible for Fujin and Raijin to pull it further.  
  
"Adorable, isn' he?"  
  
Squall pushed past Seifer and approached the cage. He leaned down in front of the stubborn monster and raised an awkward eyebrow. "I don't think it wants to cooperate."  
  
The Tonberry looked up at Squall, blinked once then opened its mouth but made no sound. Squall took that as a sign of impending violence and drew his gunblade. "The little beast threatened to kill me!" He swung once and nicked the bars of its cage. The Tonberry growled and started to wildly swing its knife, further gashing up the bars.  
  
"Your scaring it, asshole!" Seifer shouted and pushed Squall away.  
  
"I got nothing but bad vibes from him! He's a cold-blooded killer who will stop it nothing to enact a plan of world domination!"  
  
The Tonberry's eyes expanded like that of a puppy and the entire group let out a simultaneous sigh.  
  
"Oh, it's so cute!" Zell waddled over and leaned down in front of the cage, pushing his face against the bars. The Tonberry leaned forward and held up its lantern, illuminating Zell's face. Then his overly greased-up hair burst into flames and he screamed insanely while trying to pat out the blaze.  "OMIGOD!!! OMIGOD!!!"  
  
"See? It just wants to play!"  
  
Fujin burst into hysterical laughter as Zell hit the ground and started to roll around until the flames extinguished. His head was left a tattered, smoking mess.  
  
Raijin, being a dumb ox who didn't register anything for about five seconds after it actually happened, screamed "FIRE!!" and took out his staff and started beating out the flames on Zell's head even though it was already mostly out. After a minute or so of this, Zell was lying in a crumpled heap on the ground and twitching involuntarily.  
  
Seifer grinned and shook his head with mirth. "Okay, heave!" He pushed the cage forward while Fujin and Raijin pulled. They drug the Tonberry into Seifer's room, and it once again stabbed its knife into the ground to prevent being moved. The posse, though, overpowered it. A jagged trench followed them into his quarters.  
  
The group watched them leave and Cid let out a pained sigh. "Why do they never listen to me?"  
  
Xu shrugged. "Maybe because you're a senile old fart who tries to act years younger with comical quips and immature drivel."  
  
Cid turned around to face her and she instantly changed her expression to that of a frightened child.  
  
"What I mean, of course, is that your just as young as ever, Sir, Lord, Master." She finished by offering him a big smile.  
  
Cid frowned and walked away. Edea power-walked to catch up with him and wrapped her arm around his shoulder. Xu followed distantly behind.  
  
Squall watched them leave until they were gone from sight, then looked down at the charred and beaten remains of Zell, looked around cautiously to make sure no one was nearby, then walked over and gave him a swift kick in his blackened side.  
  
He grinned and walked away whistling merrily.


	2. Tonberry Gets a Lesson or Two

**Chapter Two **

_Tonberry Gets A Lesson or Two_  
  
Seifer slowly inched his way toward the cage, which held the captive Tonberry. With one distantly outstretched hand, he flipped the latch and backed up. Fujin and Raijin watched on the other side of the room. Fujin sitting cross-legged on Seifer's bed and Raijin drooling stupidly as a spider crawled up the wall.  
  
The Tonberry pushed open the door to his cage, took a few steps outward and looked around blankly. Seifer watched its motions carefully but Fujin took it to a higher level by writing down a series of hypotheses on their behavior in a small notepad.  
  
Seifer looked up and saw Raijin "drawing a blank" again, so he picked up a nearby shoe and hurled it at him. The sneaker bounced off his head producing a hollow knock, and then dropping to the floor. Raijin snapped out of his daze and turned around. "Yeah?"  
  
"What are you doing, moron?! This is a very important step in the study! The creature is released into a new environment! Let's see how it reacts."  
  
A sweat drop poured down the Tonberry's head. With an almost triumphant hoot, it bolted toward Raijin with its knife held up high.  
  
Raijin yelped and darted away from it. A wild chase ensued as Raijin ran screaming around the room while the Tonberry waddled after him giving the occasional war cry.  
  
"FASCINATING." Fujin beamed and took a few more notes. "It seems to enjoy making its prey insane with fear before striking it down."  
  
Seifer sat down next to her creating a ripple across the bed that sent Fujin a few inches into the air then back down again. The weight on the waterbed seemingly set off a chain-reaction of electronic events in his room. The lights dimmed down, a disco ball lowered from the ceiling light, and the stereo turned on too Kenny-G.  
  
Fujin looked around with a look of disgust on her face then turned to Seifer who was busy kicking the crap out of the sensor in the wall. "PERVERT."  
  
"This thing has been buggy all week!"  
  
The closet door then opened and a half-naked woman tumbled out, bound with rope and gagged with a sock. Seifer shrieked and ran to cover up the evidence, but the Tonberry stopped its chase of Raijin and wandered over to this new event. It pushed Seifer out of the way and dragged the woman into the closet. A few moments later, it came out again holding her severed head in its hand.  
  
Seifer groaned and fell back against the wall. "I guess we can't housebreak it here. C'mon, we'll take it to the training center."  
  
~*~Minutes later~*~  
  
Seifer, Raijin and Fujin sat on a bench and watched as the Tonberry dragged the severed head of a T-Rexaur back to them. It dropped its trophy down in front of them and gave another victorious hoot.  
  
"Umm...well, maybe we should start training it not to kill things, ya know?"  
  
"No way! It's fuckin' cool! It's kinda like having a useful dog!"  
  
"NEGATIVE, DANGEROUS."  
  
"Oh, like you care ya damn cyclops."  
  
"BASTARD!!" Fujin smacked Seifer upside of his head and he recoiled, growling angrily but resisted the urge to retaliate. 

"Son-of-a...grr...I-I read somewhere that the first thing an owner should do with any new pet should be giving it a name. It helps it too identify with itself and its masters."  
  
Raijin was terrified of the Tonberry who tilted its head curiously. "How about 'Killer,' ya know?"  
  
"What kind of a dumbass name is 'Killer?' It'll hate us for the rest of its life!"  
  
Fujin rubbed her chin and after a moment, snapped her fingers. "IDEA! NAME, DAVE!"  
  
Seifer and Raijin looked at her awkwardly then Raijin burst into laughter. "Oh, yeah! I remember that, ya know?! Hey, Dave's not here, man. HAHAHA!!!"  
  
"Well, why not just name it 'Chong?' "  
  
"NEGATIVE! DAVE!"  
  
"Naw! 'Killer' is the perfect name for it, ya know?"  
  
"DAVE."

  
"Killer."  
  
"DAVE!"  
  
"Killer!"  
  
"ASSHOLE! SILENT!"  
  
"...Asshole, silent? What kind of a dumb name is that, ya know?"  
  
Seifer silenced them both then leaned forward, studying the creature before him. He slowed his breathing, focusing on it. The Tonberry, in turn, leaned forward mimicking his movements. Seifer grinned and nodded. "Its name will be..." He purposely slowed his answer just to leave Fujin and Raijin in suspense. "...C'mon, drum roll."  
  
Fujin gritted her teeth. "NEGATIVE! TELL!"  
  
Raijin, though, started a drum roll. When he stopped, Seifer stood up, the tail of his trench coat billowed behind him. "Its name will be George W. Bush!"  
  
Fujin fell to her knees and started to weep. "NNNNNOOOOOOOO!!!"  
  
"I like it, ya know?"  
  
"CEASE! NAME, BERRY!"  
  
Seifer and Raijin looked at the Tonberry and nodded. "Berry works."  
  
Fujin wiped the tears away from behind her eye patch and walked toward the Tonberry, who looked up at her and tilted its head in a purely confused expression. "BERRY, TRICK. SPEAK."  
  
Berry looked at her for a tense moment then barked.  
  
"SUCCESS! TRAINING, COMPLETE!!"  
  
"That wasn't shit, Fuj." Seifer walked next to her and they both kneeled down. Directly in its line of view was Fujin's chest and its eyes bulged out and a line of drool dripped from its mouth.  
  
After a few moments of wondering what it was doing, Seifer figured it out and backed away laughing insanely. Fujin took another few seconds to get it, then gasped and stood up covering her chest. "EVERYWHERE, PERVERTS!"  
  
"Hey, it has good taste, ya know?"  
  
Fujin looked at Raijin with a look of pure malice in her face, then screamed and tackled him to the ground. She wrestled him to his back and began to thoroughly wail on his face until he was every possible shade of black and blue.  
  
Seifer choked back the urge to continue laughing and kneeled down in front of Berry again. "Now Berry, I want you to roll over."  
  
Berry kept an unwavering gaze toward Seifer for a moment before it gingerly set down its lantern, stabbed its knife into the ground then rolled over, being careful not to dirty up its robe.  
  
"Very good, Berry!" Seifer fished a dog biscuit from his coat pocket and offered it to Berry. The Tonberry gave him a dirty look, snatched the treat from his hand and put it into its robe.  
  
"Now, beg."  
  
Berry reached into its robes and pulled out a fake white beard and a tin can. Once the beard was in place he sat down on the ground, put the cup next to its feet then took out harmonica and started playing the blues.  
  
"Great!" He gave Berry another treat.  
  
Berry put it into its can then returned the objects to its robe.  
  
"Now, play dead."  
  
Berry thought about that one for a moment then pulled its knife out of the ground and held it up above its head, threatening Seifer. With a confused stare and then a terrified understanding of the unfolding events, Seifer screamed and ran away swinging his arms above his head. Berry gave chase, signaling its war cry.  
  
Fujin looked over her shoulder and upon not seeing Seifer, got up off of the bloody corpse of Raijin and wandered away in search. After a few minutes of meticulous exploration, Fujin came across Seifer watching Berry cleave up another T-Rexaur and smear its blood on its face like war paint.  
  
He saw her coming and waved her over. "He seems easily distracted."  
  
"SAVAGE."  
  
"Naw, he's just not a people-person." He stood in silence for another few minutes then snapped his fingers. "I know, we'll teach him how to be kinder, but I don't want to take away his warrior spirit. Quistis is a psycho-bitch but is usually pretty nice. I'm sure she'll know how to solve this conundrum."  
  
"KINKY SLUT."  
  
"I'm told she only uses that whip for fighting."  
  
Fujin giggled then shook her head. "NEGATIVE, BONDAGE."  
  
Seifer shrugged then shouted toward the Tonberry who was not currently visible to either of them. "Hey Berry!"  
  
The Tonberry poked his head out of the maimed T-Rexaur's throat, brushing some blood and entrails from its robe.  
  
"C'mon, we're going for a walk."  
  
Berry nodded and hopped out of its kill, then followed Seifer and Fujin as they walked back toward the exit.


	3. Tonberry and the Hostage Crisis

**Chapter Three **

_Tonberry and the Hostage Crisis_  
  
  


Seifer, Fujin and Raijin filed outside of Quistis' room. Trailing not far behind was Berry with a firm grip on a freshmen student's head. The Tonberry had assaulted the student from behind and was reenacting the battle at the OK Corral using the boy as his mighty steed.  
  
Seifer knocked on Quistis' door and waited patiently for her response. Fujin waved Berry over, and he quickly finished by stabbing the student threw the head then hopping off and walking away, ignoring the brutally murdered student that collapsed not long afterward.  
  
After a few moments, the door opened and Quistis stood staring at the three caked in face cream and had a towel wrapped around her head. Behind her was Selphie adorned similarly.  
  
"Hey, teach. We wanted to ask you for a favor."  
  
Quistis groaned and began to impatiently tap her foot. "I am not going to play doctor with you again, Seifer. Not after what happened last time."  
  
The group was silent for a few seconds. Fujin and Raijin looked at Seifer who blushed bright red, then Raijin burst into laughter and walked away to compose himself.  
  
"ANYWAY," Seifer continued. "That isn't why I am here. See, we got this little guy here," he gestured down to Berry who looked up at Quistis, "and we figured you might be able to help us with some obedience training."   
  
Quistis looked down at the Tonberry in disbelief. "This is a joke, right?"  
  
The Tonberry looked back down toward her feet, which were clad in cute furry bunny slippers. His eyes burned red like fire and with a triumphant hoot, attempted to slay the dangerous creatures.  
  
Quistis shrieked and jumped backward, landing on her backside. Berry shouted again and prepared to finalize his kill, but Seifer picked him up and saved her from his wrath. "So, what do you say?"  
  
The door slammed in their faces.  
  


"That went well." Seifer mocked.  
  
"DYKE."  
  
Seifer looked at Fujin next to him. "Why do you say that?"  
  
"TILMET, COUCH." She made a thrusting motion with her hips. "HORIZONTAL MAMBO."  
  
Berry nodded his agreement.  
  
"I'm back, ya know?" Raijin walked over and stood next to the group. He faced the closed door then turned back to them. "What did I miss?"  
  
"PMS." Fujin growled, then reared back her steel-toed foot and roundhouse kicked the door, knocking it right off the hinges. It skidded on the plush carpet for a moment then hit the ground with a loud slam.  
  
Quistis and Selphie looked up from painting their toenails. "What the hell do you think your doing?!" Selphie seethed, stood up and picked up the nearest projectile, which happened to be a bottle of paint thinner.  
  
Seifer walked in and set down Berry on the floor. The Tonberry saw the television in the corner airing the Teletubbies, screamed with insane rage, then ran over and began to violently stab it until the T.V. sparked, smoked, then exploded. He gave his victorious war cry then started to dance around the remaining mass of wires and glass.  
  
Fujin walked in and propped her boot up on the table in front of Quistis and Selphie, then made a cutting motion across her throat. Raijin stood behind her silently begging their forgiveness.  
  
Quistis sighed and set down her bottle of Ruby Dragon Red nail paint. "All right, sense you all asked so nicely, I'll help you with your problem. But, first-things-first. Raijin, please fix my door."  
  
"Gladly, ya know?" He turned around, picked up the door with one hand and set it back into the frame. He dusted his hands off then returned to his previous spot.  
  
"And I will be sending you all a bill for my telly." She pointed to the television set, which was now on fire and Berry had adorned a skull mask and a necklace of shrunken heads and was shaking a leg bone with arcane carvings while performing a one-footed hop dance. It was quite entertaining.  
  
Seifer turned to see Berry's Satanic offering. "In that case, can he take it with him?"  
  
Quistis frowned and stood up. "I'm going back to change. Keep them company Selphie."  
  
Selphie stuttered on her protest. "W-why me?! That little monster might think I'm, like, a wild boar or something and try to sacrifice me to its god!"  
  
Tonberry nodded, then held up a crude picture of Selphie strung up by her ankles over a bonfire.  
  
"SEE?!!"  
  
"IMPROVEMENT." Fujin chuckled.  
  
"Hey Fujin, don't you have some babies to eat, or something?"  
  
Fujin clenched her fists. "BITCH!! DIE!!!" Fujin made a flying leap over the table and tackled Selphie back into the couch, the two then proceeded too wrestle across the room until Fujin got the upper hand and began to strangle her with the towel that was previously adorning her head.  
  
Quistis yelped then ran over trying to break up the fight, which began with her wrapping her arms around Fujin's neck in an attempt to pry her off.  
  
Seifer growled then pointed at her. "Get your hands off Mt. Fuji, whore!" He ran over and flew at her with his body perfectly straight, slamming his head into her nose. While blood gushed from her shattered schnozz, Selphie had regained her composure and used her behind advantage to rip off Fujin's eye patch and run away from her holding it above her head.  
  
Raijin stood in the corner watching the brawl, and as soon as Fujin was relieved of her eye patch, he could have sworn he saw steam billow out of her ears. She took one long step forward and decked Selphie in her eye, then snagged the patch out of her hand, grabbed the collar of her robe and pulled as hard as she could. The force knocked Selphie to the ground and the strength of Fujin's grip completely removed the robe from Selphie. She shrieked, covered herself, and ran into Quistis' bedroom.  
  
Fujin snickered sadistically, returned her eye patch back to where it was, then went to assist Seifer, who currently had his balls in a vice...literally.  
  
Berry stopped his voodoo magic so he could watch the fight. When he saw Fujin jump back into the fray, he saw Raijin strangely sitting out. Thinking of the big man's best interests, of course, he assumed he was lonely and approached him with his knife held high. Raijin screamed like a little girl and ran out the door. The Tonberry gave chase.  
  
_______________  
  
Not long after, Fujin and Raijin walked down the hall toward Seifer's room carrying him. Fujin at the feet, Raijin at the head. He showed no signs of life other than the occasional anguish-filled groan. Berry sat on his chest holding an ice pack on Seifer's groin.  
  
"That didn't work out so well, ya know?"  
  
Fujin nodded solemnly. "AFFIRMATIVE."  
  
"So..." he drawled, expecting her to say something to alleviate the tense silence. When she didn't, he continued. "So...now what?"  
  
She shrugged. "UNKNOWN. HEADMASTER?"  
  
"Naw, if news of this got out he would make us get rid of Berry and then we would probably get expelled and sued, ya know? And I know were going to be hearing from Ms. Trepp's and Selphie's lawyers."  
  
"AFFIRMATIVE." A minute of silence passed, then she snapped her fingers, though in the process accidentally let go of Seifer's legs dropping him to the ground. Berry flipped over; head butted Seifer in the pills, then stopped against Fujin's legs. Seifer was not very pleased about this. The blood that trickled from his mouth confirmed it.  
  
She mumbled an apology then continued. "SQUALL, DINCHT. WILL HELP."  
  
"Didn't Berry kill Zell, already? I don't think he'll be too eager to help, ya know?"  
  
Fujin cackled wickedly while popping her knuckles. "WILL MAKE."


	4. Tonberry and the Violent Demise of Zelli...

**Chapter Four **

_Tonberry and the Violent Demise of Zellina_  
  
Fujin and Raijin had deposited Seifer back in his room and left with Berry to locate the elusive Squall and Zell. Though after an hour of searching high and low for those two, they had turned up nothing, and were beginning to believe they had possibly left for the day. Fujin was growing rather impatient and speeded ahead of Raijin, but that didn't last long as Berry again started chasing him.

  
Fujin growled as she heard the loud terrified screams of her companion and turned around ready to put him out of commission just like Seifer, though she had no time too react as he blazed past her. A bull's-eye was painted on his butt and Berry was in hot pursuit holding a bow and arrow.  
  
"Rage..." Fujin grumbled and trailed distantly behind. After a few minutes of not hearing anymore blood-curdling screaming, she actually grew worried. The empty halls of Garden were rather frightening to walk alone. She started to walk faster, hugging herself. After this feeling of constant fear had eclipsed her for several minutes, she looped around a corner and came face-to-face with a huge fanged monster.  
  
"AHHHHHHH!!!" With a swift kick in the groin, the monster gurgled and collapsed. Berry was standing behind the monster, looking up at Fujin in confusion.  
  
"It-it-it's me...ya know?" Raijin pulled off his mask, which prompted Fujin to once again scream and kick him in the gut. He doubled over and rolled around on the ground for a few seconds.  
  
"BASTARD! SCARED!!"  
  
"S-sorry..."  
  
"APOLOGY, NOT ACCEPTED!!" With that, she stomped off followed by a quite merry Berry.  
  
The area they were soon coming upon was the garage. Figuring this was as good a place as any too check, she flung open the door and entered. She saw Squall under the hood of a car wearing a gray mechanic's uniform and Zell not far away wearing a frilly pink tutu and a tiara.  
  
He looked up, saw Fujin and sighed with embarrassment. "Before you say anything—"  
  
Fujin collapsed laughing hysterically. In fact, she had laughed so hard she went into spastic convulsions and Berry began to pump her chest, attempting to get her breathing again.  
  
"It was a bet! I lost a bet!"  
  
Squall chuckled from under the hood. "Oh, but they don't know what bet you lost. Why not tell them that, Zellina?"  
  
"ZELLINA?!!" After getting up, she hit the ground again laughing and soon lost consciousness from a lack of oxygen.  
  
Zellina reached into his tutu, pulled out a toy gun and put it too his temple. "Please God, kill me now."  
  
Berry grinned wickedly and lunged at Zellina, knocking him off the walkway and into the oily parkway below. After several minutes of loud and seemingly agonizing wrestling, Zellina climbed back up, bloody and panting. Berry came up the nearby stairs brushing off his robe.  
  
"I am so gonna...get you..."

  
Berry shook his head and walked back toward the motionless corpse of Fujin, which moved after a swift kick in the side. "Zellina..?"  
  
"Shut up." Zellina grumbled.  
  
Fujin composed herself and stood, just as Raijin came barreling through the doorway, slipped on a puddle of oil and slammed into Squall, knocking them both headfirst into the engine. Berry saw nothing but a good opportunity in this and waddled over, held up his lantern and ignited a trail of gas that was leaking out from underneath the car.  
  
Fujin made a high-pitched "EEP!" and pulled them both from the car just as it burst into a blistering inferno. Lucky for them, though, Fujin got Squall and Raijin out of the fire before they had become a permanent scorch mark on the cement ground.  
  
"Oh crap! Are you guys all right?!" Zellina said running over to check for any casualties.  
  
"NO! I am not all right!" Screamed Squall, standing up and confronting Berry, who looked at him with a completely innocent expression.  
  
"Don't you play dumb with me you little shit! How are we gonna explain this to the headmaster?! I'll kill you!"  
  
Berry lowered his head and pouted.  
  
"Hey, c'mon Squallman, he didn't mean it, ya know?"  
  


"Yes he did! He's a menace! A walking disaster waiting to happen! And I won't let him stay in Garden long enough to cause any more havoc! Get this thing out of here immediately or I'll make sure you, Fujin and Seifer are expelled!"  
  
Fujin growled. "You can't kick out Berry! I won't let you! I'll summon the Blue-Eyes White Dragon!"  
  
Squall stopped his fuming anger for a moment and raised a curious eyebrow. "The what?"  
  
"Err...nothing." She stammered. "But, c'mon! Please! Don't report Berry! We'll make sure he behaves himself from now on! Please?! Just one more chance?"  
  
Squall calmed down a bit, and then looked at the burning wreckage behind him. "Aww crap…One more chance, Fujin. You hear me? If I hear of anything going wrong, I mean if he even forgets to flush a toilet I'll have him skinned, all right? This is your last, and I mean LAST chance. I am not going to cover up for you guys anymore." He then pointed a finger at the burning mass of twisted metal behind him. "And this is getting taken out of all three of your monthly salaries."  
  
Raijin started crying. "There goes daddy's new pair of shoes."  
  
Fujin let out a sigh of relief then turned around. "Okay, c'mon Berry. Time to gooohhh...shit."  
  
Berry was sitting on the back of Zell's neck, cleaving up his scalp and strangling him with a fan belt.  
  
Squall sighed and started to fumble around in his pockets. "One last chance…one last fuckin' chance...what the hell was I thinking?" He produced a Phoenix Down but briefly hesitated. "Do I really want to bring him back?"  
  
"No." Fujin and Raijin said simultaneously.  
  
Squall looked up at them and grimaced. "Get your damn Tonberry out of here before I change my mind."  
  
Fujin nodded and walked toward Berry, picking him up in her arms and pulling a chunk of head-flesh out of his mouth, then walked out of the garage with Raijin not far behind.  
  
He caught up and patted Berry's head lovingly. "Seifer isn't going to be very happy about this, ya know?"  
  
"AFFIR--err...yes. Yes I know he won't."  
  
"So, what are we gonna do? If we don't teach Berry to behave they'll throw him out of Garden, and us along with him."  
  
Berry snickered evilly and imagined the taste of quivering flesh and warm blood upon his pallet. Fujin smacked the back of his bald green head and popped the offending thought-balloon with her index finger nail. Berry cringed and grumbled quietly.  
  
"I assume we'll get him to behave or die trying. But now we have to try someone else, and I'm running out of ideas on people willing to help us."  
  
"No one is 'willing,' ya know? We just kinda make them."  
  
"Same difference," she growled.  
  
"Well, I suppose we could try Irvine."  
  
"NEGATIVE!!!" She screamed, quivering with anger at the very prospect. "Last time I saw him he pretended to trip and grabbed my chest to stop his fall."  
  
"He _did_ apologize, ya know?"  
  
"Only after I castrated him." She said with a maniacal laugh.  
  
"So, then who?"  
  
Fujin stopped walking, then put down Berry and started to think carefully. After a few minutes of silence, except for when Berry bit Raijin's ankle, she snapped her fingers. "I think I have an idea."  
  
Raijin looked down at her and shrugged. "So, then shouldn't you shout it?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Ya know," he said with a grin. "IDEA!"  
  
"Shut up," she seethed. "I know who would help us. Laguna and his two cronies."  
  
"Kiros and Ward? Do they even know us?"  
  
"They know Seifer," she said. "He'll straighten things out and Laguna will be sure to help us. He's way to freakin' nice not to say yes."  
  
Raijin nodded and offered his hand to Fujin, who took it with a regrettable groan and picked up Berry again. "Well, let's see if Seifer is all right, yet."


	5. Tonberry Goes on a Car Trip

Chapter Five _Tonberry Goes on a Car Trip___

Fujin and Raijin retrieved Seifer from his writhing agony and explained the situation as best they could. Though Fujin did most of the talking and Berry provided a dramatic reenactment of the events. All things considered, Seifer took it pretty well.

"You got me expelled from Garden you spoony bastard!!" Seifer screamed while wringing Raijin's neck like a wet towel. Fujin sat back and kept Berry from getting involved. But being the overzealous little shit that he was, even the notion of battle gave him impure thoughts and he waved his knife through the air. Fujin wisely donned iron gauntlets keeping her hands unscathed.

"I...didn't...not...expell--ACK!!"

"Don't lie to me, boy! I'll tan your ass like the sunburned side of a obese cow!"

Fujin cleared her throat, getting Seifer's attention. "FATHER, CONTROL CANNOT."

After a silent moment of personal reflection, Seifer released Raijin's neck and broke down in tears. "Why didn't he love me, Fuj?!"

Raijin gingerly rubbed the burning red impressions around his neck and backed away hastily just encase Seifer got another relapse of compassionate judgment. 

"FINISHED?" Fujin asked quietly. She had waited hours for these flashbacks to end but they did not have that kind of time at the moment.

Seifer wiped a tear away from his eye and nodded.

"GOOD. NOW THEN, TOO ESTHAR?"

"I dunno." Seifer said, his hands hanging limply over his knees. "I don't think I'm going to be welcomed there. You know, the whole siding with the sorceress thing and trying to bring about the end of the world? They won't even acknowledge me when I have a bingo at the community center anymore."

Raijin was looking at one of the pictures on the television table and noticed a small complimentary gift pot in the background. "Maybe if you brought them a fruit basket they would forgive ya, ya know?"

Seifer gave his large friend a skeptical look. "That has got to be the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Raijin, do the entire world a favor and never, ever, even consider reproduction. Such a demon spawn will surely bring about the end of humanity and eventually, the entire universe."

Fujin rubbed her chin, and then clicked on the thought-bubble light bulb above her head. "IDEA! MACARONI PICTURE FRAMES!"

_______________ 

Fujin grumbled irritably behind Seifer and Raijin while they both carried large wicker fruit baskets. Apparently, risking the second Apocalypse was worth it when compared to macaroni picture frames.

Berry happily marched ahead of her tied to a short length of string. Unfortunately, none of them could find any real string or rope so Fujin regrettably relinquished her right shoelace. Seifer called it well-deserved punishment.

The group walked into the socially hazardous parking garage where Squall was still leaned over the smoldering wreckage of the car that Berry "accidentally" demolished. None of them were willing to disturb his angered muttering, so Seifer and Raijin set out into the parking lot looking for a suitable automobile. Fujin sat on the curb watching over the fruit baskets and their other dangerous cargo.

After a few minutes of being silent and stationary, Fujin cranked her neck to the side and saw Berry actually sitting down and behaving himself. Apparently his only weakness was overwhelming boredom. She then looked past him and saw Squall, who had still not moved from his place under the hood and was still completely oblivious to the presence of other people in the garage with him. With a sadistic grin, Fujin picked out a grapefruit from one of the baskets and hurled it at the back of his head.

Squall yelped and bashed his head against the hood. The grapefruit rolled away harmlessly and stopped in the hall. He stepped back, rubbing his injured head and grumbling even more curse words under his breath. This time, though, Fujin could clearly make them out. As he made his murder preparations, the hood of the car snapped off the hinges and dropped into the engine, rupturing the gas tank and once again, causing the car too go up in a ball of flames.

"SON OF A BITCH!! Fujin! You fuckin' little goddamn stupid--!"

Fujin cutely batted her eyelashes and turned away, proving her innocence with some absent-minded whistling. Berry snickered with glee and the two exchanged a high-five when Squall briefly looked away to survey the damage...again.

"What the hell are you doing back here?! And why shouldn't I report you right now for doing that?"

Fujin continued her ignorant whistling.

"You think that fools me, Fujin?! Your ignorant whistling only further incriminates you and that little monster next to you!"

The author of this story gets angry and plucks Squall out of the garage for reusing my line so soon.

"Damn you and your gas-ass story, Lobo Kendo!!"

"ANYWAY," Fujin interrupted and pointed back toward Seifer, who drove up in a sleek red corvette. My attention diverts and I get back on track. 

Fujin leapt to her feet clapping her hands fervently. "SWEET!!"

Seifer parked the car and stepped out. "Oh, sorry Fujin but this car is a presidential escort. We got the one that was parked behind it."

Raijin drove up behind the corvette in a bright green and poorly managed station wagon. He rolled down the window and leaned out, giving the three an enthusiastic thumbs-up. "Hey, this thing has an 8-Track!"

Fujin groaned and ruefully approached the van, which had painted in black letters along both sides the word "Tank." Scratched up red flames blazed from the back wheels and one of the side mirrors was missing.

Seifer grinned and ejected Raijin from the drivers seat. "We got the Tank! This thing is so cool! Xu says it's indestructible."

"It also guzzles gas, ya know? You think we have enough money to pay for it?"

Seifer grinned maniacally and shrugged. "I don't know about either of us, but Fujin is always loaded. Ain't that right, Fuj?"

Fujin had one hand on the sliding side door's handle and looked at the two like they were both out of their feeble minds. "What is this? Abuse-Fujin-Day?"

The two nodded happily. Berry, who was already securely fastened into the passenger side seat, chimed in.

Fujin frowned and looked around the back. There was nothing but a toolbox bolted into the ground in the back and two infant harnesses stretching from either side and connected in the center, which were apparently supposed to be the seats. Raijin clapped his hands happily and hopped in, squeezing his bulk into the small confines of the harness.

"Man, this is rough on the pills, ya know?"

Seifer set his arm on the back of his chair and leaned over, shaking his head with jovial disgust at Raijin and then staring at Fujin, who had yet to get into the van, just stared blankly at the harness before her.

"C'mon, Fuj, we gotta get going."

She shook her head and crossed her arms. "NEGATIVE. WILL NOT."

"Hey, these things are fun, Fujin! You'll have a blast, ya know?"

"NEGATIVE! DEGRADING!"

Seifer looked at Raijin then back at her. "But he's doing it."

"EXACTLY!"

Seifer shrugged and gestured for Raijin to close her door. "All right then, we'll be back in a couple of days. See you then." Once the door was closed, Seifer started the engine and backed up, then pulled out and slowly began to drive away.

Fujin watched them leave in complete shock that they would so quickly ditch her. A few seconds past and they were almost out of view, still driving very slowly, when Fujin choked back her tears of abandonment and chased after them. "WAIT! WAIT FOR ME!!!"

The van instantly stopped and the sliding door creaked open. Raijin grinned and waved at her when she ran up and stopped her momentum by using the door as a brake. She was panting and her chest heaving like she had seen a ghost and quite a bit whiter than usual.

"So, decided to come along after all, eh?" Seifer said smiling.  
  
Fujin growled menacingly and hopped into the truck, closed the door and sat down on the floor. Seifer, though, wouldn't go. 

"Fujin, you have to be secured in a seat. It's illegal to drive without a seat belt, don'cha know?" Seifer thought to himself just how humorous it was for a hooligan like himself to be enforcing driving laws.

She looked around for any alternative to the baby harness. She scooted over and dropped Raijin's incredibly long and wide legs around her shoulders, using them like the bars on roller coasters that had loop-de-loops. Raijin shrugged and leaned back, getting comfortable in his supportless harness.

Seifer sighed then gestured for Raijin to force her into the seat. He looked down at her and saw her angry scowl, but it was an executive order. So he swung his legs off of her, lifted her up by her shoulders despite threats on his life and much rapid kicking, and effortlessly dropped her into the harness. Strangely enough, it seemed to fit her perfectly.

"RAAAGGGGE!!!"

Berry cackled insanely at her frustrations, then quickly lost interest and began to root through stacks of papers on the ground and the glove box, which held many undiscovered treasures. Some of the more notable ones were six chocolate mints and a half-empty box of tissues.

The gang drove in complete silence for the next hour or so, until the tension eased up a bit and it didn't look like Fujin was about to kill anyone who even breathed in her direction. But it didn't look like Seifer was going to say anything; he was too focused on the road. Berry was preoccupied with the dismembered body of a Barbie doll he found, and Fujin was worn out from so much screaming. With all these obstacles against him, Raijin still decided to break the silence.

"I spy with my little--"

"Oh no..." Fujin groaned and began to wrap the elastic cord of her bungee harness around her neck. She hoped that if she bounced enough she would eventually strangle herself.

"Oh, c'mon! It's fun, ya know? I spy with my little eye something that starts with the letter 'B.' "

Seifer sighed and tightened his grip on the steering wheel. "Berry, now shut up."

Berry heard his name called and looked around in a confused stupor.

"Awww! That isn't fair, ya know?!" He kicked the toolbox, let the rhythmic bouncing of his harness embrace him for a moment, and then snapped his fingers. "I spy with my little eye something that starts with the letter 'C.' "

"Chair." Seifer and Fujin said simultaneously.

"Darn it! You guys are good at this, ya know?" He looked over at Fujin and smiled. She caught his eye, sighed, and then looked away. "Hmm...uhh, Fuj? C'mon, start somethin', ya know? A game or something else to pass the time."

Apparently he wasn't going to stop, so after some brief deliberation with herself, she pulled off her eye patch, wrapped it around her thumb and pulled back the strap with her index finger. When she released, it fired straight into Raijin's forehead and knocked him off-balance. His incredible weight coupled with the instability of the harness he was in threw the van completely to its side.

Seifer freaked and strained to maintain control but Raijin had fallen into a crumpled heap on the ground and the entire van lifted up on only two wheels. Fujin screamed a series of profanities but then reached too her back and unstrapped her shuriken, cutting the cords that held her suspended. She dropped to the ground and banged her head against the metal ground, knocking her unconscious.

The immediate shifting of Fujin's weight dropped the van to the other side and Raijin slid over into her, smashing them both against the door. The sliding door then snapped off the hinges and they both rolled from the moving vehicle out into the sandy desert road.

"HOLY SHIT!!!" Seifer screamed and Berry chimed in also. The van, still up on two wheels, didn't get very far before it tipped over and did seventeen consecutive barrel rolls before coming to an abrupt stop against a wooden phone pole. The Tank smoked from the engine but thankfully, did not burst into flames like so many other cars had recently.

After a minute of lying sprawled on his back and Fujin crushed into the soft dirt underneath him, Raijin pulled himself on his knees with a loud groan and painful crackling of his vertebrae. He looked himself over and upon finding no injuries, stood up experimentally. He shielded his eyes from the sun and saw the mangled van not far away. But he did not see Seifer, Fujin, or Berry.

"Oh man," he said with only a hint of irritation on his voice then started his march toward the wreckage. He took only a step before his foot got caught on something and he took another nose-dive into the dirt. "Son of a monkey's mother..." 

He looked behind him for the source and saw a blue shoe sticking half-way out of the sand. The shoe belonged to a body, as did a prone hand, parts of a blue dress shirt that were not buried, and a large shuriken sticking vertically from the ground.

Raijin screamed and ran over to unearth his friend. He grabbed her hand and gave it one mighty tug, pulling her completely from the ground and back on her face because Raijin neglected to catch her. He picked her up again, checked for a pulse and was very happy when he found one, though she wasn't looking so good. Being thrown from a car and compacted by a man three-times her size would do that to a girl. 

He tossed her over his shoulder like a rag doll and walked toward the remains of their ride. As he neared, screaming could be faintly heard. Most of this screaming came out in the form of cursing. Raijin got around to the drivers side and saw Seifer pulling himself from the window with Berry clinging to his neck, absolutely terrified.

"God damnit, Raijin!" Seifer continued, lifting Berry from his death grip around his neck and dropping him to the ground. He landed on his feet and brushed off his slightly torn robe. "Were your games worth it now?! Huh?"

"Oh, c'mon! It isn't so bad, ya know? How far do you think we are from Esthar? A few hours?"

"Maybe a few hours of _driving_, you fucking moron!" He fired back. "Now were stranded here! It would take us a week to get to Esthar by foot!" He clenched his teeth and prepared to give him a thorough pounding but instead saw Fujin draped over his shoulder. "Oh even better! You also killed Fujin you fat bastard! I told you not to eat that last Twinkie this morning!"

Raijin pouted, then was distracted by a reverberating sound behind him. He could just faintly make out a semi-truck approaching them through the heat ripples. He took Fujin off his shoulders, set her gently on the ground, then walked out into the middle of the road.

"Seriously! Who the Hell eats Twinkie's for breakfast!?" Seifer noticed that there was no longer anyone in front of him to yell at and turned to see Raijin standing directly in the line of incoming traffic. "Raijin! Do you have a death wish!? Get back here!"

"Hold on, hold on," he grumbled. Just like he hoped, as the truck neared, it began to slow and quickly came to a stop only a few feet away. Though he thought himself intelligent for thinking of this, someone of his size was difficult to miss and it wasn't likely the man driving the truck would have just kept going.

Raijin walked around to the driver's side and knocked on the door. It opened, revealing an elderly man in blue overalls and a baseball cap. Raijin explained the situation while Seifer sat back and gave Fujin a few swift kicks to the side of her head in a attempt to stir her awake.

When Raijin came back around, he waved Seifer over. "Hey! Big Jim here said he'll give us a ride to Esthar!" 

Seifer complied, picking up Fujin and looking both ways before he crossed. Berry, however, took the opportunity to run past Raijin, leap into the cab of the truck and begin to quickly and efficiently hack away at the driver. A few muffled screams later and the tattered remains of the man minus his hat were thrown from the vehicle and into a cactus. Berry put on the dead mans hat, pulled the air horn and giggled happily.

"Hey!" Seifer screamed, running over and observing the scene. "Good job Berry! Hop in Raijin, we got a new driver!"

Berry sounded the air horn again then began poking the CB radio with the handle of his knife.

Raijin climbed over Berry and took the passenger side window seat. Seifer handed Fujin to him and she was positioned next in the only place without a seat belt. Seifer crowded in last and with a final victorious hoot, Berry slammed the door and took off. 

"All right! In this rig, we'll be in Esthar before nightfall!" Seifer spoke pleasingly.

Raijin nodded, said a final thank you to the deceased man who so graciously gave them his truck, then looked at the motionless form of Fujin next to him. "Hey, you think she'll be all right?"

Seifer took one look at her and nodded. "Yeah, she'll live. In the mean time, wanna draw stuff on her face?"

Raijin smiled wide and nodded his head at break-neck speeds like the giant dork that he was. Seifer flipped open the glove box and fished around in there for a minute before exclaiming his success and pulling out a permanent black marker. They both knew she would be furious when she woke up but until then it was plenty worth it.


	6. Tonberry's Presidential Election Campaig...

**Chapter Six **

_Tonberry's Presidential Election Campaign_

**_Author's Note: _**I hope you all didn't get too impatient waiting for this but I've been…busy. Well, anyway this is the sixth chapter and I have many more on the way. I hope you all enjoy. By the way, if I mention any trademarked businesses or items in this story consider this a short disclaimer: I do not own nor claim to own any and all rights and reserves and blah, blah, blah.

*~*~*~*~*

The car trip to Esthar went smoothly for an hour or so. Raijin and Seifer giggled like little girls while drawing obscene images on Fujin's face while she was still unconscious, but quickly lost interest and went about their own separate activities. Seifer began to think that his once badass persona was weakening and decided to sit quietly while browsing through the channels on the radio. Raijin attempted to start a conversation with Berry, but the little Tonberry was less than cooperative and after swinging around his knife in Raijin's general direction while still trying to keep his eyes on the road, mumbled something that actually sounded like "screw it" and returned to his focused driving.

Surprisingly, he was very good at it even though he couldn't reach the pedals or the stick shift. But like a cartoon, the pedals and the stick shift moved about as if controlled anyway. Raijin was rather confused about this display of talent/telekinesis but figured that one shouldn't knock a good thing and passed the time by twiddling his thumbs.

After three or four hours of silent driving and Raijin becoming unnerved by the silence, Fujin awoke with a gasp and looked around in a blind panic. 

"Hey, Fuj! Did you sleep well?"

She looked up at the big man sitting next to her and leaned back in her seat with a groan. "NEGATIVE."

Seifer opened his eyes and looked across Raijin. He gave his female friend a brief wave of his hand and returned to resting his eyes.

"I wouldn't go about movin' too much right away, Fuj. You took a nasty spill out of the Tank, ya know?"

"AFFIRMA…WHAT THE FUCK?!!" Fujin took a quick glance in the side-view mirror then a take back and saw the various works of art adorning her visage. 

"Oh, yeah. We got bored, ya know?"

Of all the horrible things that they could have done that they hadn't yet done, this definitely topped the list. Several profane words were scrawled along her cheeks. Awake and apparently startled eyes were drawn in over her eyelids, a droplet of snot was penciled in under her right nostril, and a ragged suture ran completely around her neck. But the worst of them all was a massive penis complete with two testicles that started from her jaw, ran up the side of her head and finished in the center of her forehead.

"Don't get too angry now, Fujin. It took us almost five minutes to draw that schlong. I think it is an artistic accomplishment."

"Stop the car," Fujin growled.

"What?"

"I said stop the car and let me out now." She said again. She was beyond pissed and they both knew it. Not even Berry could keep his eyes on the road, which then posed another problem. Not completely sure if he should obey her wishes or not, Berry turned his beady yellow eyes away from the road and instinctively accelerated. 

After a few dangerous seconds of silence, he turned back, noticed that he had veered into the wrong lane and was only a yard or two away from another oncoming semi truck. He shrieked and slammed on the brake, while swerving back into the correct lane. Fujin, being the only one not wearing a seat belt, launched forward into the windshield, cracking the glass with her forehead and then slamming her against the passenger-side door. The door wrenched open but Raijin caught her across the waste before she took another tumble out of the moving vehicle.

Berry's small hands were clenched tight on the steering wheel and his chest was panting heavily. The only thing that managed to get his attention back on track was the sound of the other semi honking its air horn and flipping him the bird.

Fujin groaned while rubbing the massive bruise on her head, then popped the handle on the door and hopped out of the truck onto the sandy road below. But the pain she was feeling everywhere was totally trumped by the blinding rage that overtook her senses. And also the ink on her face was now completely melted away, leaving only her pale albino skin. The hot steam that washed over her face when she was over the dashboard heater evaporated it, now leaving an awkward black stain on the roof of the cabin.

Fujin stomped away while Raijin hopped out after her, screaming something that she couldn't even begin to fathom or care about. She was still so blinded by anger that the school bus that was coming right at her didn't even register until the last possible second, and by then it was too late.

Fujin screamed and woke up, looking around the cabin at Raijin, who looked very tired, and Seifer, who snickered and leaned back against his seat. Berry snorted, adjusted his hat and continued to drive. Even though she had dreamt the entire thing, Berry was still somehow controlling the pedals and stick shift with something unseen.

"What the Hell…?" she mumbled and ran her hand through her hair.

"Hey, Fuj. Did you sleep well?"

Fujin was about to answer Raijin's question but then took a look in the side-view mirror, saw the same drawings on her face that she did in her dreams and was again blinded with anger.

"Don't get too angry now, Fujin. It took us almost five minutes to draw that schlong. I think it is an artistic accomplishment."

Fujin growled again.

"Hey, it'll come off. You just need a little water and a towel, ya know?"

Fujin reached over, snagged Raijin by the collar of his vest and threw him into the windshield like she had done in her dream, only it caused her absolutely no pain, in fact watching Raijin's head bounce off the glass gave her a sense of accomplishment. His head fractured the glass in an array of spider web-like cracks and blood leaked from several small cuts after he fell back into his seat.

"Yeah, and all you need now is a little water and a towel, YA KNOW?"

Raijin pouted and nodded solemnly, running his thick fingers along the thin cuts. "Yeah…I know."

"Hand me a wet nap Seifer. NOW."

Seifer's eyes grew scared and with a slow nod he popped open the glove compartment and looked threw it for a minute until he produced a small paper bag. "Here."

"Thank you," she mumbled and tore open the bag. She pulled out the moist towelette and began to scrub off the ink.

Soon the gang, driven by Berry, could see some of the massive glistening towers of Esthar over the not-so-distant mountains. The next ten or so minutes of driving was silent except for Berry, who was apparently very enthralled about seeing the technologically-advanced city for the first time. He expressed his joy by talking to himself in his native tongue, which consisted mostly of high-pitched hoots, the occasional "BAH!" and whistling.

Once again, Fujin reached into the pocket of her dress shirt, took out her notepad and began to scribble down some notes on the behavior of Tonberry's. 

"LANGUAGE, COMPLICATED." She said to no one in particular. "BUT CAN DISCIPHER."

"Hey, I was thinking that maybe Esthar has, like, a universal translator, ya know? Like in Star Trek? Maybe we could borrow it and figure out what Berry is saying all the time?"

"He's probably just naming off some of the sites he would like to see while we're here. I've heard the Tear's Point exhibit is really interesting."

"VACATION, NOT." Fujin scolded. "LOIRE, INFLUENTIAL. WILL SPEAK WITH CID. GET BERRY ACCEPTED."

Seifer nodded, not fazed by her seemingly angrier-than-usual tone. After all, they did sort of deserve it. "Yeah, but we're not all going to talk with Laguna. Hell, he hates me. I think you and Raijin should be the ones to talk too him. I'll take Berry on the grand tour."

"NEGATIVE!"

"What's the matter Fujin? You're good at talking to people."

"NEGATIVE! AM NOT!" She looked at Raijin who had remained oddly quiet throughout most of this. He was probably still angry about getting his head smashed against the windshield. Fujin sighed, not knowing why she was about to make him feel better, and spoke up. "RAIJIN, TAKE BERRY. SPEAK WITH PRESIDENT."

"Me?! No way, ya know?! I choke under pressure!"

Seifer agreed with Fujin's decision and endorsed it. "C'mon, Raijin. You gotta take one for the team. Just go in there and when your done meet us in the food court."

"Aww, man." Raijin lamented, but didn't push the point any further and accepted his fate.

Tonberry hooted happily and pulled onto a large glowing blue disk in the parking garage. After putting the truck into park and shutting off the engine, the disk began to hum and levitated magnetically into the air, heading up a tunnel and towards the city above.

"Ooo…pretty." Raijin commented. Fujin and Seifer rolled their eyes and patiently awaited the completion of the elevator's ascent. Once the lift stopped, the crew exited their truck and walked along until they left the parking garage and entered the warm, artificial sun of Esthar. 

Seifer looked around for a moment before turning to his side and swatting Fujin on the shoulder. "C'mon."

She nodded and the two took off.

"HEY! Wait, I don't know where the presidential palace place is!"

Seifer turned around while still walking and pointed behind Raijin. "Just keep walking! I'm sure you'll run into it eventually!"

"B-But!"

Berry watched them walk away with not even a hint of indifference, shoved his knife into his robe and looked up at his much larger company. He let out a triumphant hoot, what triumph he overcame is unclear, and began to scramble up Raijin's leg like he was scaling a tree trunk. He worked up towards his waste, then gripped his arm and climbed up the rest of the distance until he was sitting comfortably on Raijin's shoulder.

The big man groaned and turned around, walking in the general direction of where Seifer pointed. "I'm lost already, little buddy."

Tonberry nodded but pointed forward, apparently reassuring Raijin that he was on the right track.

After an hour of walking around in a circle, passing by curious onlookers, strange subterranean and high-set tunnels, Raijin was now sagging like he had the weight of the world on his back. "I…can't…go on…little buddy…go on…without me…ya know?"

Tonberry shook his head and bitch-slapped Raijin in his. He grabbed his large melon and turned it to the left, showing him a massive window-lined building with a couple of armed guards standing out front. 

"Hey, this building looks familiar."

Berry smacked his head.

"Oh yeah! I remember now! We passed this place, like, two minutes after we left the garage. I thought it was a hotel."

Berry felt like screaming out his frustrations and then impaling his knife through the big man's head, but he had grown somewhat attached to the former Disciplinary Committee and didn't have the previous uncontrollable urges to kill them like he did everyone else. Perhaps he would kill this President Loire. His knife was becoming too dry.

"Onward!" Raijin shouted, and marched towards the entrance of the building. Immediately the two mechanical-looking guards stepped forward and pointed their rifles at his chest.

The first of the two guards, the one nearest Raijin, was probably the superior. Though Raijin was completely ignorant when it came to any aspect of Esthar's military, he assumed the one with the red shoulder-pads was the commander or chief, or something important. "No one is admitted into the presidential palace unless they have a previously scheduled appointment! Turn back now or we will fire!"

Raijin blinked stupidly then looked at Berry sitting still on his shoulder. The Tonberry gave him a brief nod and Raijin returned it.

After thoroughly kicking both of their asses, Raijin ducked under the low entryway and entered the presidential palace. He dropped one of the twisted rifles to the ground with a hollow clank and looked back-and-forth between the two directions, not sure which one led to President Loire's office. Taking a wild chance, he wandered off toward the left.

_______________

Seifer and Fujin sat comfortably in a plush booth at one of Esthar's exotic restaurants; looking over the extensive menus and deciding which of the many meals looked the most appealing.

"Hey, you still have some money left, right?" Seifer asked with a smile.

Fujin looked up at his over her menu, narrowed her eyes menacingly, but ultimately nodded and returned to her food options.

Seifer took one last glance at his menu, decided on the mousse de saumon et câpres…er, something or other, and set it aside, awaiting the maître d'. "So, I wonder how Raijin and Berry are doing with Laguna?"

Fujin shrugged noticeably but didn't stop looking at her menu. "Probably screwing it up as usual."

Seifer nodded. "Yeah, probably."

_______________

"Hey, President Loire?! Open up, please! This is important, ya know?!"

Raijin was banging loudly on the large oak double-doors, which led into the presidential office. He knew so because there was a brass plaque off to the side that read, "President Loire's Shag pad."

After a minute or so of this, the door threatened to snap right off the hinges or splinter, but thankfully a dark-skinned skinny guy opened up the door and glared at the much larger man angrily. "Do you have an appointment, Sir?"

"…Uhh…do I need one?"

Berry, who was standing at Raijin's feet, grinned wickedly assuming that this man was the president. He leapt forward, grappling to his chest and knocking him right off his feet and down to the ground. Berry withdrew his knife, gave a victorious shout and prepared to make another sacrifice.

"EEEK!!"

"Kiros! Stop screwing around and let them in! Raijin and I go waaaay back!"

Raijin peaked in around the doorframe towards a large conference table where a man nearing Raijin's height sat holding a deck of cards and was apparently in the middle of shuffling them before the interruption. Raijin assumed this was Ward. The president, Laguna Loire, sat next to this great beast of a man with a huge smile on his face. "C'mon in, Raijin! And bring your little friend, too! Though I would appreciate it if he didn't kill Kiros."

"Yes…so would I." Kiros groaned, looking up at the small, green-skinned creature clinging to his neck.

Berry looked down at his intended victim once, then scoffed and got off of him, returning his deadly dagger to the inside of his cloak.

Raijin walked in, shut the door behind him and approached the desk with Berry and a very shaken Kiros behind him. "Umm…you said you knew me?"

"Of course! Though you probably don't remember. I knew all the orphanage kids. But anyway, how can I be of service? I assume you're the one who 'dispatched' of my security team downstairs? I would like to reminisce some but we are in the middle of an important game of poker right now so we'll have to get together for lunch or something another time."

Raijin smiled and nodded, somewhat embarrassed. Berry, however, was drooling at the memory of the security team's screams.

"So," Laguna started, watching Kiros scoot back into his seat with a sinister scowl on his face. "How can I be of service?"

Raijin was at a complete loss of words but knew he had to say something, so with a contemplative scratching of the back of his neck, he began. "Well, uhh…my friends and I we're wondering, ya know? Could you, umm…like, speak with Cid at Balamb Garden? Little Berry here is kinda causing some trouble and we're afraid that the Headmaster will kick him out, ya know? And we don't want that, Berry is a good little…BERRY!!"

Berry didn't even wait for Raijin to finish his speech before he had taken out a bottle of chloroform from his robes and drugged all three of the men into a synthetic unconsciousness. Berry tossed away the soaked rag and retrieved a piece of paper and a pen from the supply drawer in the nearby presidential desk. Everything in this room, by the way, is "presidential."

Berry began to scribble something down on the piece of paper. After a few seconds of curious staring, Raijin peered over the large desk and looked too see what the little troublemaker was writing. 

It was an official notice of acceptance written in a very sloppy, probably completely accurate, handwriting. Berry was good at forging things. Complete with the presidential seal of Esthar, the note read:

_Dear Mr. Kramer,_

_I, president Laguna Loire of Esthar, officially take complete responsibility for the actions of one "Berry the Tonberry" and will pay for any and all damages inflicted by his hilarious antics. Also, I am resigning as president of Esthar and am relinquishing all duties and powers over to one "Berry the Tonberry." The only reason I am telling you this is because in the near future he may invade and mercilessly slaughter all inhabitants of Balamb Garden. Thank you for your time._

_Former President Laguna Loire._

"Nice," Raijin commented. Berry agreed with a happy hoot and took the note in hand, dropped the pen and hopped into Raijin's arms and climbed up his shoulder to once again, perch on his shoulder.

"So, we heading back then?"

Berry nodded and the two left the presidential office in search of their friends. Seifer would certainly approve of Berry's methods. Fujin would dismiss him as dangerous but he was so gosh-darned adorable that no one would hold him accountable.


End file.
